Outtake #12
The Deleterious Effect of Overzealous Reporting during a Disassembly

Then Jimmy gave an extra hard squeeze, and Elmer slumped over, after which Jimmy slammed him down on to the ground so hard that his Main Battery ruptured, and the Special Friends, racing one another to see who could disconnect the most total connections, soon reduced Elmer to a twitching a pile of parts.

The media men regarded the pile of Elmer with big shocked eyes.

“Jesus,” said the first little man softly out the mouth near his rear.

“What in the world?” said the second little man from his rear.

“What are you fellows gaping at?” said Phil. “Have you never seen a tax collection before? Are you going to file your reports or what?”

“SITUATION AT BORDER, UH, INTERESTING” shouted the first little man through his megaphone.

          “SUCH INTERESTING SURPRISING DEVELOPMENTS AT BORDER!” the second little man gasped, “THINGS NOT SEEN BEFORE, CERTAINLY SEEN TODAY AT BORDER, BY US!”

“GOVERNMENT DISASSEMBLES WELL-SPOKEN FELLOW FOR TAXES IN SHOCKING DISPLAY OF CRUELTY!” the third little man blurted out, and the other little mans gaped at the third little man, and Phil glowered at the third little man, and Jimmy and Vance took such tremendous threatening steps towards the third little man that he blundered backwards in sudden fear and tipped over the bon-bon bucket.

“ALTHOUGH PROBABLY FOR A VERY GOOD REASON!” he quickly corrected. “ACTUALLY, COME TO THINK OF IT? MEDIA MISSPEAKS! GOVERNMENT DID NOT DISASSEMBLE ANYONE! EXTENT OF NON-DISASSEMBLING AT BORDER TRULY REMARKABLE! EVERYONE AT BORDER TOTALLY INTACT!”

“You know what?” said Phil to the other two little mans. “I don’t think he’s going to work out. He’s sort of unprofessional, isn’t he? Sort of a liar. What sense does it make to build a Wall of Truth if this amateur is just going to fling untruths over it? If there is one personality defect that really reeks of Inner Hornerism, it’s lying. Wow, this hurts. I buy this guy a flak jacket and he starts lying about me in an Inner Horner manner?”

“PRESIDENT DEVESTATED BY MEDIA MISREPORTING AT BORDER!” shouted the first little man.

“MEDIA FIGURE LIES, SMEARS HEROIC PREZ TO DISMAY OF ALL!” shouted the second little man.

“FOREIGN AFFILIATION SUSPECTED!” shouted the first little man.

“Brian, Todd, what the heck?” said the third little man. “What are you saying? I’m not a foreigner and you know it! We’re friends! We grew up together!”

“Jimmy,” said Phil. “Will you kindly take whatever steps you deem necessary to ensure that this lying amateur doesn’t attempt to mislead our people again?”

“How about this?” said Jimmy, and yanked off the third little man’s detachable megaphone.

“Ouch, God!” said the third man out the mouth near his rear, dropping to his knees in pain.

“That’s good, I guess,” said Phil. “Although I expect he can still spew lies from the mouth near his rear. We could design a special rear-plug, but he’d probably blow that out, with how loud he tells lies, and then where would we be? I can’t have this maniac roaming around my country lying about me through his rear, can I?”

“I’d say no,” said Vance, and quickly disassembled the third little man, which was easy, because he was basically just two stubby legs, a torso with arms, a head, and the mouth near his rear, which turned out to be detachable.

“SPY PUNISHED!” shouted the first little man, looking with terrified eyes at Phil.

“NATION GRATEFUL THAT TRUTH IS ONCE AGAIN SERVED!” shouted the second little man.

“I’m guessing the crowd would enjoy an overview,” said Phil. “A summing up of what we’ve accomplished here today?”

“WONDERFUL DAY OF TERRIFIC PROGRESS AT BORDER!” shouted the first little man.

“ALL BABIES MAY SLEEP WELL TONIGHT IN OUR LAND!” shouted the second little man.

“NO HOSTILE MURDERING SAVAGES SPILLING OVER BORDER ON MY WATCH, VOWS PREZ!” shouted the first little man.

Phil nudged Jimmy.

“Please show my people some additional love,” Phil said, and Jimmy scooped up another fistful some bon-bons and flung them over the wall.

When Phil passed through the gate of the Wall of Truth, the crowd waiting outside burst into wild applause and pushed and shoved to have a look at the real actual Phil, who they’d been hearing about all day, via the media, and it was amazing, really, to actually see him in person, fresh from his standoff with the hostile invading mob, which he’d faced down singlehandedly without flinching, something they very much doubted they could ever do, and he looked even taller and more sure of himself then they’d imagined, and a few Outer Hornerites swooned and fell to the ground, which was covered with the drab gray laborious COTA letters which no one had bothered to read.



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