Outtake #7
Phil Decides to Eliminate Inner Horner, and that His Palace is Crap

Late that night, Phil woke in his bed in the new Presidential Palace from a dream in which his future victorious path had been revealed to him. It was so great not having a brain! His dreams just unscrolled! Today was the day! It was so clear to him now! Since each Inner Hornerite was worth four smolokas, and there were now four Inner Hornerites left, and the presence of the four Inner Hornerites were all that stood in the way of the vision he had for the Border Area, it must therefore be the case that Inner Horner owed Outer Horner sixteen total smolokas for something, which, he had realized in his dream, was a fence, a fence he would build them today, so that, when he went to collect the taxes they owed him for building the fence, they could not run away, and once he had collected the taxes, via disassembling every remaining Inner Hornerite, which was only fair, it being an excellent fence which they would very much have enjoyed had they lived, the Short-Term Residency Zone would then be blessedly free of Inner Hornerties, and so he would demolish the fence and re-sod the Border Area, which he was thinking of renaming either “The Meadow of Peace” or “Without Phil This Would Still Be A Muddy Area Full of Thieving Foreigners.”

When his alarm went off, he hopped out of bed, anxious to begin the day, but was stopped in his tracks by the sudden sight of his Presidential Palace. What a crappy palace! It was just the walls of the former Presidential Palace, propped up against Phil’s former crappy apartment and capped crookedly with the golden dome, and under the dome was a bird bath that the Special Friends had been using as an underwear drawer, and a number of trees they had flattened while wrestling about which one of them loved Phil more, and a few scraps of clothing left behind by the former other residents of Phil’s former apartment, who had been driven out in the dark of night by the Special Friends.

“What is the meaning of this!” he shouted. “Don’t you people care? Don’t you people love me?”

Larry and Melvin and the Special Friends and the Advisors all tumbled out of bed and soon stood before Phil in their pajamas.



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